


Something's Missing

by merridewthesloth



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Denial of Feelings, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, It's not too bad, M/M, Steve questions his sexuality, Steve's Pov, Swearing, a while back, lowkey, the harringrove is referenced/mentioned because billy is dead :(, through my tears after finishing st3, written at 3 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-22 17:42:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22187290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merridewthesloth/pseuds/merridewthesloth
Summary: Steve reflects on how he feels about Billy's death.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Kudos: 12





	Something's Missing

**Author's Note:**

> hey so this was written at like 3 am after bingeing st3 and i was crying whilst i wrote this. i'm sorry for this angst. but anyway i'm still not over billy's death and i thought i'd share my splurge of feelings about it here. 
> 
> ps. i'm british so if any expressions or ways of speaking are there that don't seem american that's why.
> 
> also please if you're a harringrove anti don't go sending me hate i'll steal your kneecaps. :)

He could see it in the way that, after the battle, the smile never quite reached her eyes, there was a glint of pain in there as if seeing people, families, siblings having fun together only replayed the scene in her head, as if she was constantly holding back tears. 

And really, Steve could understand.

Even back when he’d first met Billy there was something about him that drew Steve in. He was infuriating, rude, an asshole, attractive and he knew it, but deep down somewhere Steve knew, he knew that Billy was secretly nice. 

Sure he kept himself behind facades and masks, but Steve knew what difficult families could be like, perhaps not in the same way, but he knew what faking was like, and he knew that Billy did it a lot.

He liked to think that he was just going crazy due to trauma, before he’d had that conversation with Robin on the mall bathroom floor, that he was insane! He wasn’t gay, he loved Nancy so so much, let alone gay for Billy Motherfucking Hargrove.

But deep down, he’d known all along. 

And when he saw Billy there protecting El, he prayed to every single God that he’d survive so he could slap him & then tell him, or Hell even kiss him if he lived, why the fuck not!

Fat lot of good that had done for him, guess his Dad didn’t know shit after all, preaching at him about religion and responsibility. Life had a way of hitting you with the hardest curveballs at the worst times. 

And fuck had it hit him.

He was pretty sure a piece of himself died with Billy that day as Max had held him in her arms sobbing, he’d overlooked them on the balcony, his knees weak and his stomach feeling like he needed to throw up again.

And if Robin had shot him a knowing look, as they stood there, they didn't (and weren't) going to talk about it. 

Yeah, so he preferred to keep it to himself, he knew Hawkins, he knew his position, he knew what was expected of him. The tears he'd shed would stay between himself and his goddamn pillow. He'd keep up the act during the day, ignoring Nancy's questions and Robin's almost pitying looks, and at night he'd try (and fail) to not think about it.

He knew the truth though, it was nagging at him, in the back of his mind, like some kind of parasite.

The truth was he’d never cared for anyone like he had Billy and Nancy, they’d be the first and maybe the last.


End file.
